Last week I had a bit of a mini-meltdown and ended up sobbing down the phone to Tim, my husband about how I was literally, catastrophically failing at life. A tad melodramatic, maybe…but that was 100% how I felt right then. My plate-spinning confidence was on the floor (along with all the plates).

I’m working like a mother at the moment to get some ambitious stuff off the ground to turn Mumbelievable into a sustainable, scalable business. It’s early days, and things are going great.

I love everything that Mumbelievable stands for, and everything I do is to promote confidence, honesty, empowerment and solidarity for mums. Staying true to those values and all that….here’s my honesty right now.

I’m working with some incredible people on our Return to Work with Confidence programme to support working mums regain their personal and professional confidence after they’ve taken time out to have a family, and an online version will launch soon to help women all over the world do the same.

The next adaptation is a programme to support working mums and dads to manage the demands of work and family life, and then we’ll take that online too. Then there are my confidence cards and other products I’ve got in the pipeline, like a range of mother’s day greetings cards.

It’s a big, beautiful picture. And I’m designing it.

That’s the dream, right? To make your living from soul food. I’m lucky.

The pipeline is healthy. But the reality is that it’ll be a while spent developing relationships with businesses and putting the marketing legwork in online and in the non-pixelated world before the real money starts rolling in. These things don’t happen overnight. All part of the start-up adventure!

Xav goes to preschool, but his hours could never be enough for what I need right now. I work some evenings when I can, but others I’m just too damn spent to think. I’m mindful Xav will be at school by September, so I’m desperately trying to savour these final months before this next era starts. I get caught feeling guilty when I’m working that I’m not with him (or that I’m fobbing him off) and guilty when I’m with him that I should be working. Then there’s the house. My marriage. Relationships with my family and friends.

Do any of us actually have a clue what ‘balance’ looks like? How do people reach this utopia? Does it exist?

Ironically, I’m doing all of this so we can be together. So I can show him what’s possible. So I can create the flexible existence that’s so hard to come by in conventional employment. I’m trying to challenge companies to up their game when it comes to creating solutions for their talented female employees who are fleeing the workforce simply because they’ve had the audacity to procreate. I believe in what we’re doing.

So why is the guilt so crippling? Why does the self-doubt still rear its head?

Here are five ways I feel my sense of self-confidence has been eroded at various times since becoming a mum and ways I’ve found to overcome them.

1. Comparing ourselves to others.

   Whether that’s people I look at and perceive are more accomplished, successful, polished or together….I think we’re all guilty at times of this. In no way can this ever serve us. The social filters are a bitch, yes – but none of us are under any illusion that that’s what’s real. We have no idea what others are thinking, feeling or what’s going on for them. All we see is what they choose for us to see. We all look at each other in admiration and respect for what the other is doing. Remembering that is so important.

2. Not getting enough sleep.

   When I don’t get enough sleep (so, always) my ability to cope with the demands of my life diminishes, taking the precious confidence I’ve worked so doggedly to build with it. When I’m exhausted, I’m more emotional and become overwhelmed much more easily. Xav has never been a brilliant sleeper and while the horror days of the first 18 months are long gone, he’s still inconsistent. But prioritising sleep and down time are a major part for me in preserving that sense that I’m doing ok with the juggling act.

3. Self-neglect.

   I find it so easy to bump myself off the list when things are hectic. It’s the first thing that needs no explanation or rearranging, and I’ve got no-one to answer to. I did this for so long that eventually I acknowledged I didn’t even really feature on the life list. I’m getting better at taking care of myself, and it’s no coincidence that as soon as I started doing this I noticed a difference in how I felt about myself. Eating right for nourishment and energy, having dinner with girlfriends, taking time out, travelling, working, reading, date nights, doing things you love, exercise, taking baths…the usual stuff people drone on about. It’s there because it’s true. There is absolutely a direct correlation between the ways in which you invest in yourself and how you feel. And you can do it all. You deserve to do it all. Find a way.

   I recently started singing again in a band after a four year break from it, and reconnecting with that part of me after so long has been pretty powerful. I’m so different now to back then. I used to suffer terribly from nerves and sometimes puke before a gig….now I love every minute and feel relaxed and at home on the stage. That’s what becoming a mum has given me, ultimately. I’m more secure than ever but it’s taking care of myself that’s helped me to see it.

    

4. The identity shift.

   The world I’ve grown up in is useless at preparing women to become mums. We spend the whole of our lives gearing up through our educational and professional experiences to become contributors to society in the conventional sense: by working, being taxpayers and equal fillers of the household coffers. And when kids come along as a generation we’re criminally under-prepared which leaves us feeling like we’re failing.

   It’s not our fault. There’s no focus on family throughout our education, and in the workplace most of us feel like we need to pretend we don’t have a family (sweeping statement but, I believe, broadly true). To go from an independent professional person to a mother is not an easy transition, and so many of us end up feeling like we’re screwing it up. The reality is that it’s just really, really hard. And everyone feels the same. As soon as I stopped trying to act as though I had my shizzle together and twigged that no-one does, I felt better.

5. Demands on our time.

   Ever since Xav was born I’ve found that I constantly compare my productivity and output to how I used to be when I worked full-time and didn’t have a child. I’m still working on getting over this. I can’t work 11/12 hours straight in a day now like I have done at times in the past. I could…of course.

   But it’s my choice not to and I need to hold this sacred as that’s our decision for our family. Xav has made incredible progress this year and a big part of that has been the time I’ve devoted to spending with him – both attending appointments with a number of professionals and time alone together spent working on giving him the tools to become more comfortable and manage the overwhelm that is caused by his sensory processing difficulties.

   We’re all doing more and placing more demands on ourselves and our time than ever. We’re ambitious, and that’s a great thing. We want incredible things from our lives – nothing but what we deserve. But when it’s at the expense of our sense of who we are and what makes us truly happy…..something’s got to give.

   I’ve had to ask for help, which I find tough. I’m fiercely independent and that’s part of the problem sometimes, I guess. Tim is incredible and we’ve come up with some ways he can help me, and my mum is going to be helping us too which is amazing. I’ve got better at not making so many plans and almost scheduling the down time to just be. It doesn’t always work out. But still, managing a family, work and a home doesn’t come easy to me. I’m not sure it does to anyone. We’re all just doing the best we can.

How do you respond when you notice your confidence needs a reboot?

I’m beyond thrilled to have Aby Moore as this week’s Mumbelievables interview. Aside from the fact that she’s a hugely inspirational and incredible woman, Aby has built a full-time income from her brilliant family lifestyle blog You Baby Me Mummy and has now chosen to support up-and-coming bloggers to make their blogging dreams come true with her fabulous online courses and coaching.

Aby is also Britmums’ social media manager and half of online blogging magazine Live Love Blog. She is an award-winning blogger and has been a finalist in the BiBs for three years. She was a finalist in the Outstanding Contribution award at the MAD blog awards in 2016.

Here’s her interview. There are some serious wise words here. Enjoy, and be inspired!

Who are you? What makes you, you?

Hi, I’m Aby. Wife, mama, blogger and online course creator. I help people to develop their blogs so they can turn them into their business and give up the day job! I love to help people change their life through blogging, as it changed mine.

If someone else was to sum you up in five words, what do you think those words would be?

Loyal, driven, motivating, supportive, tired! Ha ha!

Who are the three most important people in your life, and why?

My husband, daughter and my best friend who’s is also a blogger. Obviously I love my family and I’m so lucky that I have such amazing friends in my life that are as close to me as family.

What are the three most important things in your life and why?

My family, my friends and my blog. I couldn’t live without any of them!

What does confidence mean to you?

For me, confidence is so precious. It can take a lot of time to build it up, yet it remains fragile and so it has to be protected. I feel clarity feeds into confidence. If you are clear about who you are and what you are about, confidence will follow.

How do you feel about yourself now compared to before you became a mum?

I feel much more untouchable. That’s not to say I don’t have worries, stresses or doubts; I have plenty! What I mean is, that I feel now that (however driven I am) nothing really matters apart from my family. I feel much stronger and more confident now.

What advice would you give to someone who doubts herself?

Self-doubt is so unproductive. We can all achieve great things if we want it enough. I feel we all have a unique gift to offer the world. It might take a while to work through what your super power is but you have one – believe it!

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your life so far?

Ah, so many lessons! I think possibly the most important has been that real friends are always there, they don’t require maintenance – they are just friends through thick and thin. They are your tribe.

And finally, where is your happy place?

Can I have two?! 🙂 I adore being on the beach with my family especially (weirdly) in bad weather. I love the wildness of the beach when it’s windy and raining. My other place would be with my fingers on the keyboard of my Mac!

You can follow Aby @youbabymemummy on all platforms. Also, if you’re a blogger and you’d like to sign up for her FREE productivity course you can do so here. Join Project Productivity now!

Every now and again I like to showcase something a little different that could brighten up your day. Recently, I went to a baby shower for a friend and it was spectacular.

Their mother and sister had really spent a lot of time and effort to make it very special and wow, did they achieve that. From the moment you arrived and were given a glass of something a little fizzy (for some of us anyway) to the time we left it was magical.

Now one thing that caught my eye was the attention to detail of their decorations. It was very simple, yet very impactful and I had to tell you about it here. It was held at my friend’s mums house which had more space than her own, plus you can then afford to go a bit more lavish as you don’t have to hide anything from the mummy to be.

The lounge had been styled with some beautiful balloons filled with helium. Now since the gender of the baby is yet unknown, they had a selection of feather filled helium balloons, some with pink feathers and some with blue. And they looked marvellous!

It transformed the lounge from their home to a beautiful venue and really added that wow factor and said “baby shower”.

I had never thought about balloons like this before. Of course, we blow up our own for our sons birthday but these were a little extra special and didn’t leave you feeling feint after manually blowing up 25 balloons, rather you attach a bottle of helium and off they go. Easy, and a bit of fun too.

A simple search on helium balloons in Google will find a good provider in your area and look out for those companies that allow you to personalise them a bit more with your own wording and don’t forget to buy the helium!

I found this company (not an affiliate or anything) that looked fab as a specialist called Bubblegum Balloons. (nice name) – oh and why not send me any pictures on Instagram or Facebook if you have done the same!

My recovery has been tested several times, but none more so than when Tim was ill. When he had his kidney transplant quite suddenly in August 2015, we all went into shock. True to form, my appetite disappeared. My stress response was right there, trying to show me a way that I could control the uncontrollable.

I had no power over how the surgery went, whether the kidney would work, whether Tim would recover from this.

The me of a few years ago might well have fallen into its familiar grip, but I promised myself a long time ago that I WILL NEVER, EVER GO BACK THERE. I have seen what life can be like on the other side. And it is so beautiful. I love living without the darkness suffocating me.

Every day, I will fight for the light to remain.

So I forced myself to eat again, as I had when I was recovering myself a few years earlier. I felt sick with panic and worry for months after Tim’s transplant, as he fought complication after complication.

I lost weight, and believe me, I liked it. My anorexic brain will always revel in a perverse sense of accomplishment when that happens. I’ve accepted that’s always going to be the way.

I ate anyway, and flicked the finger to the shitty goblin on my shoulder goading me to listen to it. I talked about how I felt, and about how easy it would be to slip. Being honest with myself about this is how I got to where I am.

If my recovery can remain intact through that, I’m confident I can get through anything and still stay true to my promise to myself to never go back.

Creating the energy (when you have none) to appear as though you’re fine when you feel like a little piece of you is physically dying inside is exhausting. Trying to be the person you’re so desperate to be, while feeling like the world’s biggest fake is unspeakably draining. This is what it means to have an eating disorder. I will never forget how it felt every day to suffer like that.

Looking back it was pure hell, and I know what the phrase ‘depths of despair’ means. But I look back from a position of strength and personal peace.

I worked harder on my recovery than I have on anything else in my life, and I fought like hell to get better. The contrast I have now when I stop and appreciate how free I am today compared to back then is a beautiful thing. I’m grateful for it, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m lucky this happened to me, and that I had the support and love to overcome it and tell this story in the hope that it can show others who are suffering that pushing yourself to the absolute limit in the name of reclaiming the life that you deserve is more than possible.  The world is so vividly colourful now, and the simplest of beauties that were lost on me back then seem so much more special now. That’s a privilege, and I’ll never see it as anything else.

I now have control over how far I slip down the slope. And I like the view from the top, thanks.

The support and messages of honesty, hope and love I’ve received while writing this series has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment and share it with people in your lives who might relate to it in some way.

I’m thrilled that this version of my story is going to be published later in the year in a book as part of a collection of real-life experiences to raise money for a number of charities. If you’ve read this series and felt a connection with it, perhaps you’d consider buying that book when it comes out? The more money it raises, the more work can be done to support people living with mental illness.  I’ll be sharing more on my social channels when the book is out, so watch this space. X

Along with my eating disorder diagnosis, I was also told I was afflicted by the rather catchily-titled Acute Body Dysmorphic disorder. In a nutshell, what I saw when I looked at myself was distorted. Even at a bit under seven stone what I saw may as well have been morbidly obese.

Once I’d got to the stage where I no longer felt like I was in the permanent, unending grip of my illness, and my body began to return to normal – whatever that means – we decided to try to have a baby.

This in itself was a massive step; I’d been adamant that I would never pass on my crazy. As I’ve said before, I had so much to live for. Getting better was for my many incredible relationships (my marriage, especially), for my army of family and friends and for our hypothetical child.

But how I saw myself hadn’t changed. I still loathed my reflection. So I was petrified of how I’d respond to becoming pregnant and my body expanding. I read stories and chatted online to women who said they found being pregnant freed them from their eating issues because their bodies were nurturing a life. I hoped against hope that would be how I felt.

It didn’t happen straight away, but when I found out I was pregnant we were over the moon. We weren’t sure we’d be lucky enough.

I used all the tools I’d picked up since my recovery began in all the books, online research and forum chats and from my psychotherapist during my CBT. The pivotal message to myself was this: behave like the person you want to be. Behave like the person you want to be.

As hard as I tried to gag it though, I couldn’t escape that my brain still had those dark thoughts.

On many days I could ignore them, which made me feel amazing. I ate well. I nourished that tiny baby. I trained twice a week with a PT and together we designed an appropriate exercise programme I could follow to prepare my body for the later stages of pregnancy and labour.

But I also trained at least two or three more times a week in the gym or at home by myself. I was overcompensating because of how hungry I was. I was starving, permanently. An insatiable hunger that needed all the carbs. There’s no way to escape the fact that I exercised compulsively while I was pregnant, as much as I’m ashamed to admit it.

I knew I had to reign it in, but I was terrified that if I didn’t offset the extra food with exercise that I’d go the other way and revert to starving myself again. I knew that option was far worse, so this was how I managed the situation. It was far from perfect, but it was how I dealt with it at the time.

On the days I didn’t eat enough (and on a very few occasions made myself sick) I hated myself. I dismissed myself as a terrible, unfit mum who obviously didn’t love the unborn baby inside me enough to be resolute about being healthy for him, if not for myself.

I was so cruel to myself, especially on those days. Why wasn’t that precious life inside me enough to make me forget all of this and focus on what was best for him?

Because it’s impossible to reason your way out of a mental illness, that’s why.

We’ll never know why he was premature, but I’ll never stop wondering whether I had something to do with it. That’s guilt I’ll carry forever. Did I somehow cause his sensory issues? Have I given him the struggles he has? As pointless as it is, there will always be a part of me that tortures myself because I don’t know the answer. I hope not. I hope that the way I fought to be healthy while I was pregnant was enough for him. Because that precious child deserves the world.

I hated myself at the time for not being able to be miraculously fixed for this unborn baby. But I don’t any more. I’ll always feel the guilt, yes. But that’s just part and parcel of being a mother, isn’t it? I’ve forgiven myself for the fact that I wasn’t able to suddenly ‘snap out of it’ and be 100% healthy while I was pregnant. I did the best I could.

I can swear that all the way through. I did my best, every day. And that’s why I’m here now, writing this.

It turned out that beautiful baby, along with his heroic daddy, would save my life. He fixed what was broken and gifted me a life free from the confines of the life that came before it.

Tim saved my life more times than I could count. He showed me that love has no bounds. He protected me, challenged me, persevered with me, cried with me, and loved me when I was unlovable.

Xav changed everything when he was born. Suddenly I understood how I fitted in to the universe, and that overtook everything else. I was finally better. For real. I was happy. I know I’ll never be completely free of my illness, but I also know that back then, before he was born, I had absolutely no idea how incredible it would feel. I didn’t dare to believe – or even hope, if I’m honest – that it could be possible to feel so free and alive.

This (above anything else I’ve said in this series) is what I hope more than anything will reassure you, if you’re reading this and can relate to it. The other side does exist, as impossible as it may seem right now. It’s there, it’s waiting for you and I swear it’s worth every single second of the fight. X

Click here to read the final part in this series.