At the weekend I bumped into a mum whose daughter used to go to Xav’s preschool. We hadn’t seen each other in a while, and we got chatting about the work I’m doing through Mumbelievable to support mums.

One of the biggest privileges for me since starting all of this is the way people trust me enough to share their private stuff, which can be pretty humbling. She started to tell me that when her eldest daughter was born, she had recently moved into our area and didn’t really know anyone. She didn’t really have many friends going through the same stages at the same time, and she felt alone. Over time, she realised she was suffering from post-natal depression and had begun to feel pretty desperate. In her own words, she ‘wasn’t sure what was going to happen.’

One morning she knocked on the door of that preschool, hoping that behind the door would appear a friendly, understanding face. They told her they ran a group for babies and toddlers on Wednesdays. Thankfully, that day was Tuesday.

The next morning, she arrived 15 minutes early. She clung to every word of everyone who she spoke to, soaking up their kindness, support and company. She found out about another local group and began going along to that one too.

Slowly but surely, she felt herself becoming stronger, better able to cope and more confident. On the inevitable tough days, she didn’t feel alone. She laughed. She knew people who would have her back. She received knowing nods and hugs filled with empathy. She said: “I don’t even want to think about what might have happened without them.”

No-one can change the fact that having kids is hard. People can support us and lend a hand with some of the logistical stuff, but having a baby is like a nuclear bomb going off in your life (a beautiful one, but a bomb – no less) and there’s not all that much that anyone can say or do to change that. But the importance of support from people who are going through the same things at the same time can’t be overstated. To me, that’s why the work of people like the brilliant Sally Oddy, founder of Meet Other Mums is so vital. You can join it for free and find local, lovely mums to hang out with.

We chose to do NCT classes when I was expecting Xav. We only got to do two of them before he arrived early, but thankfully the friendships we made there overcame that and endured. There were six weeks between Xav and his little buddies being born, and looking back on it those were six of the loneliest, most overwhelming and struggle-filled weeks of my life.

When the other babies were born, suddenly everything changed. Those three gorgeous boys and their brilliant mums somehow made those excruciating days easier. They will never know just how much they did, just by being there.

People can offer their advice, love, kindness and empathy (which you’re infinitely grateful for) but somehow if they’re in a similar position to you there’s an extra special chemical reaction. You’re never going to click with everyone, naturally, but you know in your heart that the ones you are drawn to GET IT ALL. They’re with you, right now. Their memories aren’t clouded by time that has passed since their babies were small, and they’re living it alongside you. There’s unspeakable comfort in that.

Broad generalisation, maybe, but the first year of having that precious first baby is pretty damn tough. I don’t want to think about how it might have looked without the support of those women who propped me up when I needed it most. Where would I have found myself without that? I don’t – no, actually I can’t – even contemplate it.

And that doesn’t go away when those babies aren’t babies any more. Some days, a bit of time with those who won’t judge if you let them in on what’s going on inside your head is as good as a full night’s sleep (maybe).

When people dismiss play groups, baby groups, classes and meet-ups as luxurious ways to ‘pass the time’ or think that in some way going to engage with other mums over a cup of tea is part of an ‘easy life’, they’re sadly mistaken.

It can be easy for someone who hasn’t been to that desolate place to misunderstand.

These are the lifeblood of communities.

The people who run them are among the biggest-hearted, most compassionate people I know, and they grossly underestimate the impact of the work they do to bring mums together.

The joy experienced when a baby comes into the world is matched by fear, panic and overwhelm. We feel out of our depth, and we need more than anything for someone to catch our eye or touch our arm and send a silent message to us to let us know that we’re not alone. That’s what groups give us as new mums.

They’re a lifeline. They’re solace. They can be a place where the exhaustion ebbs away and strength can be recharged. They’re where we can learn that we are not alone. They’re where we reclaim some of our power. They’re where we learn how to deal with the overwhelm and start to enjoy the privilege of parenthood.

So much more than a cup of tea and a sing-song.

If you’re feeling isolated, I recommend checking out Mums MeetUp, a brilliant and simple way to meet like-minded mums locally:

A couple of weeks ago I put out a plea for help on my Facebook page to help me find amazing mums to interview for this series. Because sharing real stories of real mums is something that motivates and inspires us, right? The response was unreal and I’ve been humbled, moved and inspired by the bucketload as I’ve found out about these brilliant humans’ lives.

This week, it’s all about the fabulous Jo Howarth, who runs The Happiness Club. Her job is to teach people how to be happy and she loves it. She is married to Trev and has two beautiful daughters.

The Happiness Club is a monthly membership club where members receive a daily tool, tip or thought directly from Jo to help them see the good things in life and leave the negative stuff behind.

She also works with corporate and private sector organisations that are committed to changing the way their employees feel and therefore work, and in schools to teach students techniques to develop their own resilience to stress. Jo believes this should be as important as learning your ABCs.

Jo published two books in 2016. Glad To Be Dan, written with children’s author Jude Lennon and illustrated by Jo’s husband Trev, is a mindfulness book for children; and Get Happy! is her book for grown ups and is a compilation of the daily thoughts from her Happiness Club.

With over 20 years of studying mindfulness and hypnotherapy, Jo believes it is a simple choice – that everyone can choose happiness every day. Her mission is to teach people the tools and techniques that will set them on the path of happiness, whatever their definition may be.

I hope you enjoy her inspiring words.

Who are you? What makes you, you?

I am a mummy and a wife. I am an author and a speaker. I am happy. I am an uplifter, an inspirer, a helper and the founder of The Happiness Club. I am the sum total of everything that has ever happened to me, good and bad. I am immensely grateful for all of those experiences because without them I would not be where I am today and I love where I am today.

If someone else was to sum you up in five words, what do you think those words would be?

Happy. Smiley. Positive. Warm. Loving.

Who are the three most important people in your life, and why?

My husband, Trev, and my two daughters, Francesca and Gracie. Trev is my foundation, he keeps me steady and gives me a solid base from which to explore. My girls are my world. I love them more than I ever thought it was possible to love anything and I love watching them grow and develop every single day.

What are the three most important things in your life and why?

My health because without it I cannot take care of my family or run my business.
My family because without them I would be lost.
My work because it fulfils and excites me.

What does confidence mean to you?

For me, confidence means not being bothered by what other people think of me or the things I am doing and saying. Confidence is about having self-awareness, knowing who I am and being at peace with that person.

How do you feel about yourself now compared to before you became a mum?

Completely different! Before I became a mum I thought I knew what life was all about and then this beautiful baby appeared and I realised I didn’t know anything. Being a mum has given me the opportunity to learn more about myself and to grow and develop as a person. I am so much more confident and at peace with myself as a result of that growth. And I’ve learnt that we’re never done growing, there is always more to learn, always more ways to develop and I am looking forward to continuing to expand.

What advice would you give to someone who doubts herself?

Spend time with yourself, just with yourself. Spend time every day, just ten minutes, sitting quietly and connecting with your core being. Notice how beautiful that connection feels, there can be no doubt in that beauty. Pay attention to every good thing you do or achieve every single day, acknowledge every nice thing someone else says to you whether you believe it or not to start with. Give yourself the opportunity to realise how amazing you are, don’t be afraid or modest about realising it. You are amazing.

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your life so far?

That love is the only thing that really matters.

And finally, where is your happy place?

Lying on my sofa with my girls and my husband, cuddling while we watch a good film.

You can find out more about Jo’s amazing work and the Happiness Club at www.thehappinessclub.co.uk and sign up for a FREE one month trial here.

This week’s Mumbelievables interview is a very special one. Haanagh and Mike Smith are long-time friends of my husband Tim’s family, and when I began this series I had Haanagh in mind as someone I’d be honoured to feature one day. I’m so grateful to her for agreeing!

I wanted The Mumbelievables to be about celebrating the stories of amazing women, who happen to be mums, doing extraordinary things with their lives that we can all be inspired and offered strength by.

Haanagh’s beautiful family is a constant source of inspiration to us and she is, well – I’ll let you judge for yourselves – but she’s a powerhouse. Enjoy her interview!

I’m Haanagh. I live with my husband, Mike and three children, Harry (12) and identical twins Zachary and Reuben (7). I suppose my ‘trade’ is a midwife…up until the twins were born I was working as a community midwife which I absolutely loved. I had wanted to be a midwife since I was at school, so once I had done my degree and qualified as a registered midwife, I felt I had achieved my goal. It was nothing short of a privilege to support women through a very poignant time in their lives, in the happy moments and the sad ones. I loved to watch families be created right in front of my eyes.

At home, Mike and I wanted to have another baby to complete our family. We had the happy news we were expecting identical twins and we relished our forthcoming arrivals, making Harry a big brother. But things didn’t quite work out as we had hoped. At 29 weeks of pregnancy our twins were born far too early. From that very moment our life changed unrecognisably, although at that point we didn’t know how much.

For as well as the challenges prematurity brings, Zachary contracted meningitis twice in the first 2 months of life, and Reuben had a massive bilateral brain haemorrhage. We began the day to day hope and desperation for them just to survive.

Fast forward back to the present day, I am happy to say they did. They survived against the odds, although in time, Reuben was diagnosed with Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy and the many health complications that come with this condition. Zachary was diagnosed with Ataxic Cerebral Palsy, learning disabilities, brain and spinal cord abnormalities and is severely deaf. However, without doubt they approach everything in life with a smile and determination that’s a joy to be around. They are 7 year old warriors whose zest for life is infectious.

As a result of their life long disabilities, I left my role as a midwife and became the twins’ 24/7 carer. Although I adored my job, there was no question that my children needed me to support them, care for them and be their advocate as we approached a new world of disability we had been propelled into.

Because of their disabilities, life is now very different for us as a family. When you are a parent of a child with a disability, no one tells you how to handle this. You need to find your own way into the world that you have been propelled into and to handle this the best way you can. As well as maintaining their health, for me it’s also been about ensuring the children are happy, to optimise their childhood and despite their diagnosis, to experience things other children do. I want them to find the fun amidst a life consumed with clinic appointments, hospital stays, medical treatments and therapies.

I now spend my time dedicated to the boys and getting them what they need to fulfil their lives. I also provide support to other families emotionally should they contact me after diagnosis of their child’s disability. I enjoy writing about my role as a mother in this life I now lead, and write a blog to capture poignant moments and feelings. I also do voluntary public speaking roles to discuss my experiences of this, which is something I would have laughed at if ten years ago you told me that’s what I’d be doing! I often smile at how your path of life can take a turn.

Who are you? What makes you, you?

I think of myself as a different person since the twins have been in my life. In many ways, I’m the Haanagh that existed before the twins came into my world, and I’m also the Haanagh that has evolved since. Those two Haanaghs are slightly different.

I’m still a daughter, niece, sister, wife, mother and friend. I still relish the company of those I love, regularly cry at anything I watch on TV, like a cup of tea that’s builder’s strength and enjoy becoming lost in the world of theatre when I have the chance to go. I still love all things sparkly, glitter, shoes, prosecco and unicorns! I love a chick lit novel or a TV crime drama.

As a person though, I just think I have become a better version of myself since I have been touched by disability and the lessons this has taught me. I have a far better grounding now of perspective and importance and the things that really matter to me and my family. I am lucky that I have Harry and the sheer joy he brings to my life. I am equally lucky I have Zach and Reuben who were dealt a very difficult hand in life, yet who have shown the world how to cope with a traumatic roll of life’s dice. I think my blood must be made up of 100 per cent pride.

If someone else was to sum you up in five words, what do you think those words would be?

Maybe…..

1. Determined
2. Stoic
3. Loyal
4. Compassionate
5. Strong

I think these probably would be the sort of thing, due to the nature of my life now and how I need to be advocate for my boys. However, my husband would probably throw in Stubborn (! I can’t deny it….), and shoe-obsessed!

Who are the three most important people in your life, and why?

Hard question, as obviously my three boys would take all of those spots! So I am going to unashamedly cheat here and say:

1. My family. That’s all of them, including my mum, dad, sister, cousin etc not just my husband and children. They formulate the skeleton of my strength and keep me going when things get tough.
2. My friends. I am one lucky girl. I have lots of incredible friends who ooze fabulousness. They are ready to listen when I need them to, but equally provide the fun factor that reinstates a smile. I love how each of them are so different, but we share a common goal of support love and friendship for one another. Everyone should have a girl tribe.
3. Team Twins. This is my affectionate nickname for all the professionals that are involved with the twins’ educational or health care. Raising twins with a disability is not a one person job. It’s a team effort that extends out further than family. Yes, Mike and I may be at the helm, but it’s a ship that’s steered with the help of a wide circle. Therapists, teachers, carers, Drs, nurses, just to name a few. You can imagine how many specialists have to be involved in the care of children as complex as mine, and we have some incredible knowledgeable and excellent ones on Team Twins! I am grateful and respectful of their input, however big or small a role they play.

What are the three most important things in your life and why?

Probably my sense of calm in a crisis (which there have been several!), my sense of humour (which I have been required to call on more times than I care to think!), and my support network. When you put these three together, they are a winning combination in my way of life.

What does confidence mean to you?

I think for me, it’s being comfortable in my own skin. To know that I have faith in myself and in my actions and beliefs. If I can hold my head up high and know in my heart I think I am doing the right thing, then that gives me confidence in myself.

How do you feel about yourself now compared to before you became a mum?

My pathway into motherhood hasn’t been a straightforward one. There have been the lowest of times, the blackest of days and nights when I would be distraught with the grief of what happened. But taking the lows means you can also enjoy the highs. Of which there have been many. The grief doesn’t just lie in what you have gone through, but lies in what could have been. I grieved for the children that the twins should have grown into, the adults they would have become, the family moments we should have experienced. In many ways, your hopes and dreams wither.

But after a while, I learned that there was so much beauty in what we had. The grief started to dissipate and our lives became about what the twins could do and not what they couldn’t. We started to forget the ‘what ifs’ as they just consume you.

I suppose therefore that I feel I can cope more as a result of motherhood. I no longer sweat the small stuff and accept what I cannot change. I learnt the value of what was important to me and being a mother, with the challenges we have, made me take the biggest dose of perspective I will ever be prescribed. There has been nothing more life affirming and it’s been a testing, rewarding, painful yet grateful lesson of love.

What advice would you give to someone who doubts herself?

That old cliché, ‘you’ll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have’, is more true than I ever previously gave it credit for. It’s almost my mantra! If someone had showed me in a crystal ball what we would have to face with the children, I never thought I would have been able to cope. But as a general rule of thumb, it’s important to know that you can rise to any challenge if you believe you can. Things won’t always feel so raw, things will become clearer over time, so if you buckle up and follow your heart, things will be ok. You are stronger than you think.

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your life so far?

Follow your gut.

That’s the best thing I have ever done and continue to use daily! My gut so far has never ever let me down. Go with your instincts and do what your core tells you is right. Along the way, you may make mistakes. I have made some corkers. Essentially though, it’s a learning curve and makes you into the person you are today. Don’t beat yourself up when things go wrong or you slip up. But, if you follow your gut, you generally won’t go too far wrong.

And finally, where is your happy place?

Home! When the twins were born, I didn’t know if they’d live or die. As time went on, and it became clear how disability would affect them, I was scared. I was scared I couldn’t be the mother they needed me to be. My husband said ‘Haanagh, we just need to take them home and all we need to do is love them’. That’s the best advice I ever received, and that is exactly what we did.

We cherish them all with love and laughter and when we shut the door on the world and when I tuck them all up in bed at night, I know they are happy and safe and we are on the right path. I don’t know how long that path is, or where that path will take us but together, we are doing just fine and home is where our hearts are!

You can follow Haanagh’s inspirational journey and gorgeous family at www.haanagh.com.

 

You might know that recently I decided to open up about my eating disorder and mental health history by publishing a series of posts about my recovery. I was petrified of making myself so vulnerable, feeling sick and shaking as I wrote and my heart beat thumped in my temples as I hit publish each time.

What I was actually so terrified of was judgment. Of confirmation that the thing that has made me weakest of all does in fact, weaken and define me when I have fought so hard against that.

I worried that showing people what was truly going on in my head would open me up to ridicule.

The response was the polar opposite.

I’m writing this post to convey one message: If you are suffering, I implore you to share it. The more you share it, the better. Being honest about what we see as our weaknesses or failures is in fact, the best thing we can do.

I’ve been on the receiving end of limitless compassion since I decided to publish my story. I’ve received messages from all over the world from people who have found the courage to share their own life battles with me, which is such a beautiful thing.

I wrote the series to help others to see that they’re not alone. I had no idea how freeing it would be though for me, and for the first time I can see that period of my life as a strength and an asset.

I’m vulnerable, and I have extreme weaknesses. But I have confidence in that now. Those weaknesses have made me who I am, and I’m fiercely proud of my reflection.

This doesn’t mean that I’m happy about what I went through. I will always be sad to have been robbed of so many years in the grip of an illness that ate me alive.

We don’t have to be happy about what has happened to us, but we can learn to be better humans because of it.

Perhaps this is all part of getting older. Maybe that beautiful feeling of liberation is something that can only come once we endure these tests life throws at us. All I know is that I have spent a huge proportion of my life unduly concerned by what others must think of me, and what they would think if I was open-heartedly honest.

Coming out and talking about mental health stuff (which doesn’t get talked about enough – even now) is one of the best decisions I have ever made and it has taught me so much about what people really do think. And the best bit? It was nothing whatsoever like I’d imagined it might be.

If we can find the courage from somewhere to fight through the terror, the nerves and all the worry about the unknown and let people in to what is happening to us, we can not only help others but we can heal ourselves as well. To give others the inspiration to do the same thing is a privilege. This is how change – real, fundamental change – happens.

Our issues and experiences are not weaknesses. They are all part of the human experience. And no-one, even if we think we are, is ever alone.

It’s all too easy to become overwhelmed by how tiny we feel in this huge, complicated world. I often ask myself how on earth it could be possible that one person – any of us – could create any sort of lasting change.

But it’s dawned on me that it’s not just me who cares about changing attitudes towards this stuff that so many of us endure in different guises.

In deciding to write about this stuff, many others have written to me to say they’re going to do the same. Many have said that my words have helped in some way. That’s one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.

This is how change happens. It’s a domino effect. It’s a movement.

I’ve been guilty of trying so hard to be there to support the people I love (and I don’t always get it right) that I’d completely overlooked how I could help others, and myself, by letting people in.

So here’s the message of this post.

Be bold. Be brave. Wear your scars, no matter how deep or raw they are, with pride. Be brutally honest. Be vulnerable, and be proud of all that you are. The chances are, it won’t be as scary or awful as you think. It may just be the best thing you ever do.

Much love. Xxxx

 

 

This week I’m so happy to interview the force of positive energy that is Sunita, founder of Lucky Things Blog and the Lucky Things meetups.

Confidence, career and wellbeing are just three things that Sunita loves to blog about over at Lucky Things. She knows life is full of ups and downs and so enjoys sharing ideas on looking after yourself. Sunita has two little IVF girls, so feels pretty lucky to be a mummy (something she knew might never happen). Sunita loves getting people together so she started her networking events in 2016 – the Lucky Things Meet Ups.

With over 15 years in HR and people development she also runs the HR consultancy Collective Insight where she also enjoys coaching other bloggers and career-minded women. When she’s at home with her two girls, they’re probably having fun dancing at one of their lounge discos! This mama used to be a DJ and appeared on TOTP but nowadays it’s her three-year old who chooses the tunes! If she has time to herself she’s busy planning her next project or on the look out for a bargain to update her bright wardrobe. Sunita says she has loved appearing on the Mumbelievable series.

Who are you? What makes you, you?

I’m Sunita. The fact that I have “sun” in my name is pretty cool. My parents are from the beautiful island of Mauritius and I grew up just outside of London. My kaleidoscope career makes me me – from DJing to fashion to editorial to corporate life as an HR expert, speaker (I love to talk!) and now blogger.

Something else that makes me “me”? I enjoy celebrating “lucky things” – things that we feel grateful for. For me one of the biggest things is the fact that I actually get to experience the ups and downs of being a mummy. We went through an unpredictable IVF journey and feel very blessed we now have our two girls.

If someone else was to sum you up in five words,what do you think those words would be?

Calm, supportive, juggling, busy, resilient.

Who are the three most important people in your life, and why?

Three-year old Big Munch, 20 month old Toddler Munch and my husband Mr H. It’s a pretty tough question as I have lots of favourite people whether it’s my close family and my friends.

What are the three most important things in your life and why?

Being grateful – going through IVF and the whole fertility “Am I ever going to be a mummy, maybe this isn’t our path” makes you see things differently. Don’t get be wrong, I’m always trying to achieve different things but that experience keeps me grounded.

Music – Not just because I used to DJ but playing tunes we love to the girls and seeing them come up with crazy and cute dance moves is the best thing ever. I’m proud that Big Munch also asks for some disco music as well as Let It Go.

Wellbeing – Life is tough so we have to look out for ourselves. That’s why I talk about wellbeing a fair bit over at Lucky Things blog. Sadly we never know what’s around the corner. Seeing my husband deal with his illness and establishing a new lifestyle has been a real eye-opener.

What does confidence mean to you?

Courage, seeing failure in a positive light, giving things a go, remembering your talents and wearing outfits that make you feel good. I strongly feel that you have to focus on your own version of confidence. We all decide what this looks and feels like.

How do you feel about yourself now compared to before you became a mum?

Firstly I still can’t believe I’m a mum at times. I’m proud that I’m still a lot of the Sunita pre-mum and pre-fertility stuff. I’m still into my clothes, music, career and various creative projects. But motherhood had taught me lots too – or should I say my two daughters have taught me lots about life.

What advice would you give to someone who doubts herself?

Ask why you are doubting yourself? It’s good to look at the source of this so you can learn how to manage it. We all have that little annoying voice. No one is 100% confident. Is it you or someone else who’s triggered this self-doubt? Then think about what you want to do or be when you’re not doubting yourself. What steps can you take to get closer to this and zap this self-doubt? Don’t be hard on yourself if you take a bit of time to feel better about yourself. We’re only human.

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your life so far?

People behave a certain way for a number of reasons. Most importantly it may not be something to do with you. They may be battling something difficult behind the scenes. Everyone’s stories are complicated. So don’t make assumptions and learn to be more compassionate. I’ve learnt a lot about this over the past couple of years. Looking after our and others’ mental wellbeing is so important.

And finally, where is your happy place?

Probably a lounge disco with Mr H and our two girls. Music is really important to me. I knew something was up in the Summer of 2015 as I wasn’t listening to music that much. Turned out I had post-natal depression. Oh and another happy place – Berlin. Me and Mr H love it there. We always carry around lots of nice memories from our Berlin adventures.

You can follow Sunita Harley and enjoy lucky things on her brilliant blog on Instagram and Twitter @luckythingsblog.