A toolkit: what to do when the life balance is off
Over the past year, I’ve spoken to hundreds of mums. We’re all different. But at times, it seems, we all have one thread in common; no matter who we are, where we come from or whether we work or don’t. We all experience times when life balance eludes us. When the dark cloud of overwhelm threatens to engulf us.
So I thought I would share with you my toolkit of things I do to try and take back the power when I feel like life might be spiralling and the balance just isn’t there.
- Be kind to yourself. If you ignore the other nine things in this post and just do this one, that’s cool. You’re doing better than you think you are, I can promise you that. None of this is easy, and you’re an incredible mother.
- Understand WHY the balance is off right now. What is really important to you and your family? Design your ideal around that. Look at whether there are any external influences (pressure from friends/family, social media, celebrity magazines, etc) dictating to you what your life should look like, and whether you need to make some changes so that you can let that stuff go. This I think is the biggest key to achieving balance.
- Get really good at reframing the guilt. Another big one. If you can find ways to flip guilt on its head and focus on the reasons why you’re doing the things you’re feeling guilty about, you’ll feel stronger.
- Say no to more stuff. It’s not selfish – it’s safeguarding your wellbeing and prioritising the needs of your family. It’s making sure that you stop feeling as though you’re not doing enough.
- You don’t have to do everything by yourself. Get the help you need. Outsource where you can on the jobs that can easily be done by someone else. Enlist your partner, friends and family to support you in making everything run smoothly.
- If you work and it’s not working, ask for what you want. Do you need a more flexible working arrangement or to change your hours or working pattern? Do you need some time out or more training?
- Get more organised. A bit dull, I know. I rebelled against this and couldn’t stand the lack of spontaneity, but quickly realised that the more organised I am, the better I can deal with the inevitable times of overwhelm. Whenever I start to feel this way, I look at ways I can help myself out by getting more organised.
- Never be afraid of change. If something isn’t working, change it. Just because you’ve always done things a certain way, doesn’t mean you can’t challenge that. Balance is always evolving as the needs of your family change.
- Find time for you. This might seem unachievable when we’re talking about pressurised times of stress, but that just makes it all the more vital. Taking even tiny amounts of time for yourself will mean you’ve got more in the tank to deal with the problems that are causing you to feel this way.
- Let go of perfection. It doesn’t exist. It may look like those perfect looking parents have their shit together, but we’re all just doing our best.
I think above everything, these tougher times become easier when we can find the courage to open up about this stuff.
Trust me, everyone has times when the wheels are falling off.
You’re not alone.
Feel the fear and do it anyway
I bought this today. My heart is racing as I go to press publish. Instinctively I want to do one or all of the following: delete it/take another 20 before I decide on a better one/filter the shit out of it.
My anorexic brain still (and probably always will, but I’m ok with that as long as she’s drowned out by my real voice) screams “COVER UP, FFS! YOU’RE DISGUSTING!”
And whilst – being brutally honest – I couldn’t quite bring myself to buy a bikini instead, my logical brain looks at this reflection and feels pride.
My body grew the human who today felt worried when another child hurt herself on the slide. He went over to her, to see if she was ok. Pride.
This body nurtured that human who yesterday coped beyond my wildest dreams with visiting his new classroom at his new big school. Pride.
My body gave birth to the little boy who spontaneously said to his Daddy the other night as they were saying goodnight:”Daddy, you’re the best. And I love you.” Pride.
My body helps me to take care of that precious little boy and because of its magnificence I am able to enjoy a life full of epic things. Pride.
I don’t want either judgment or compliments by posting this.
What I want is to join the movement to normalise women and our bodies that have created life, disrupt the filtered feeds (guilty, ordinarily – but not today) and say to you: we are enough. No caveats.
I may look at this reflection and have to bat away thoughts that threaten this. That I am not enough – not even close. That I should definitely lose those promised pounds. That I should delete this and give in to the fear of what others will think. But I’m going to do it anyway.
We are enough.
You are enough.
💜
12 weeks
It’s no exaggeration when I say that my life changed recently when I had the privilege of being introduced to Jo Meeke.
On 15th 
March, Jo and her partner, Matt welcomed their beautiful first-born son, Puck into the world. Following a complicated labour and emergency c-section, Puck tragically died in his parents’ arms early the next morning.
With an inspirational determination that something good must come out of this utterly devastating event that has changed their lives forever, Jo and Matt decided to purchase a woodland in memory of Puck. As avid lovers of nature it is their hope that they and other families affected by similar life-changing tragedy, and the nurses who care for them will be able to use the woodland as a playground to reconnect with the wild, find peace away from the demands of their lives and find solace as they grieve.
To find out how you can support Puck’s Promise and his incredible parents, visit www.puckspromise.com or to make a donation visit the Puck’s Promise Just Giving page.
This month they are also supporting Sands awareness month and the Sands #15babiesaday campaign. In the UK 15 babies every single day die before, during or shortly after birth, an appalling statistic that Sands is working to change.
It’s so hard to make sense of the world when it shifts on its axis in the face of such tragedy. But I’m always amazed and humbled by the power of people to create more love and good in the world as they build a life afterwards.
My thanks and as much love as my heart can hold go to Jo for giving her permission for this beautiful post to be shared here, in the hope that her courage and stunning, powerful words might bring some hope and comfort to others facing grief after miscarriage or baby loss.
Ursula Xx
12 weeks ago today Matt & I lost our little boy, Puck.
12 weeks….
I find myself sitting here remembering the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy. Remembering crossing off each long day until my 12 week scan… Remembering holding my breath on each of those long days waiting for something to go wrong; to go devastatingly wrong as it had done with my first pregnancy when I had miscarried at 11 weeks.
That 12 weeks seemed like an age. But we got through it. The magical 12 week milestone – seeing your baby on the screen for the first time and feeling the immense relief that everything’s going to be alright. And you post pictures of your scan all over social media.
Except we didn’t.
My miscarriage had somehow partially robbed me of that relief and excitement. In its aftermath I had struggled with some really dark emotions that had taken me to unknown parts of my being. I had to work hard on acknowledging and accepting these uncomfortable feelings and emotions without allowing them to define me, Jo.
I got through it. And I remember thinking that surviving a traumatic miscarriage had made me stronger; whilst it’s not an experience I would ever have chosen, I at least knew that I could get through anything that was thrown at me with Puck.
I blissfully passed full-term. I knew it was only a matter of days, or maybe even hours, until I’d be holding our precious and longed for baby. Leaving hospital empty-armed never even entered the equation. I was well out of the danger zone at 40 weeks +9.
But babies do die at full-term. And for some reason Puck was one of those babies.
And now he is a statistic.
For 12 weeks he has been a statistic.
12 weeks….
I never thought that anything could ever feel longer than those first tentative 12 weeks of a pregnancy. Yet the 12 weeks since Puck died have erased any concept of time from my life. Each day is just another long day to survive…. In fact, I’m not sure I can even remember what life before-Puck felt like….
I’ve seen tiny little glimpses of light in the chiefly oppressive gloom, mostly because I know I have to. There’s (potentially) a whole lot of life ahead of me and I can’t bear the thought of just simply surviving each long day.
Losing Puck has reminded me, in the most brutal of ways, that life is sacred. We are not entitled to it. I owe it to my son to live my days wholly, not to be numbed by my grief, but to once again welcome every dark feeling and emotion that arises.
And when the strength of these threaten to overwhelm me, I shall find comfort in knowing that they are a reflection of the depth of my love for my son.
To find out how you can support Puck’s Promise and his incredible parents, visit www.puckspromise.com or to make a donation visit the Puck’s Promise Just Giving page.
Why I’m no longer an after-thought
How much time do you get to spend doing things you love? The things that set your soul on fire, or make you feel as though you’re right where you should be?
A couple of years ago, in spite of having built a life purposefully and been lucky enough to have a beautiful baby boy, I was struggling. This precious little person had quite literally, as I have written before in my series about my recovery from an eating disorder – saved my life. I owe him and my husband my life. Together, they brought me back.
Which is why how I felt confused me more than anything. Surely, I shouldn’t feel this way. What I knew in my heart was that there was something wrong with me.
When I say I was struggling, what I mean is bone-crushingly, soul-suckingly struggling. I put a good face on it, but every few weeks I would end up ugly-crying to my poor husband and neither of us could really pinpoint precisely why. Then I felt guilt at being so selfish and indulgent, when the fact was that I was #blessed.
It took me a while to recognise it, but my identity had shifted so unrecognisably since I’d had our baby boy that I was a shell of my former self and my confidence was shattered.
When I looked at it, I wasn’t getting much time for me. I was pouring all my love into caring for Xav who was joyful but far from an easy baby (if there is such a thing…). I was constantly on the back foot with him and felt like a failure daily.
I was also putting a tonne of energy and focus into trying to help Tim, who was becoming seriously ill. I researched how to keep him as well as possible for as long as possible, and the desire to make a difference to his health (because it was the only way I could regain even a shred of control over the situation) consumed me.
I found it impossible with a clingy baby/toddler to find time for exercise. I didn’t have the space to be creative with my work at the time, because I’d made the decision to work differently and baby brain shrouded my clarity over what I needed. I hadn’t had a holiday or break in ages, and I also hadn’t sung for several years (I’d been in a band before Xav).
Cumulatively, my decisions to neglect myself in these ways had a catastrophic effect on me. It wasn’t until I looked like this at what I was neglecting in my life that the penny dropped and I saw the link between how I felt about myself and my decisions to put myself last on the list.
I knew that to get out of that dark place I had to make some changes. I had to work out what I needed, and devote more time to those things.
So I started taking better care of myself, seeing more of my amazing friends, changed the way I work and scheduled in loads of family time. I went to festivals and realised how much I had missed music.
I made the decision to stop seeing myself as an afterthought.
At the end of last year, I finally started singing again after four years. It sounds simple – and it is – but the impact is profound.
Prioritising those needs has been life-changing for me. I think of them as my pots, and it’s my job to water them or they’ll suffer. The pots (my needs) are the different aspects of my identity that make me me. When I look after them, I’m happier and infinitely better off. (There’s much more about this and other confidence-boosting tools in our online programme and you can find out more here.)
I still do everything to care for others like I did before, but I say no to more stuff as well. I’ve still got a way to go (still desperately need to make time for fitness – story of my life) but I now feel infinitely more empowered and in control of my happiness.
Confidence comes from doing the things we love and the things that make us feel happy.
It’s far from selfish to include things for myself on the to-do list. In fact, the opposite is true. Everybody wins when I do.
So why is it that culturally we’re so adept at failing to see that we matter, too?
Vlog series: Au naturel – the big switch
Over the past few years (and a preemie baby and husband’s illness) I’ve been on a quest to ditch the tox and clean up our act in terms of the products that we use to clean our home and our bodies.
I’ve found some absolutely amazing products and so I thought I’d make a little vlog series to share what I’ve found to replace things like haircare, skincare, shower, beauty, cleaning and laundry products with ones that are going to do my family’s health good.
Everything I do with Mumbelievable is to help us all feel more confident and empowered by the choices we make for ourselves, our children and our families. Reducing our use of harmful chemicals is a huge part of that and going natural and /or organic wherever I can has made a massive difference to us all in many ways.
Links to products featured are below the video!
Here are the links to the products featured in this vlog:
The Little Soap Company (foaming shower gel, handwash, candles, soaps)
Salt of the Earth (deodorant)
Thanks for watching! X
