When my son, Xav was born I wasn’t prepared for how much of a hit my confidence would take. It didn’t really dawn on me until he was around a year/18 months old that I was a shell of a woman who desperately needed to remember who she was.

I’d forgotten everything that made me Ursula. I couldn’t have told you what skills I had or what my abilities are, and I felt selfish if I made time for exercise or anything else that would have involved me putting myself first. My confidence was truly at rock bottom.

To me it’s a travesty that so many mums (myself included) feel worse than ever about themselves after we have babies when the reality is that we should feel on top of the world. Having made a HUMAN BEING for crying out loud. We’re superheroes.

Mumbelievable has helped me put that period behind me and I’m still a work in progress but I’ve come a long, long way since those dark days.

It’s now my mission to help mums regain confidence and feel the way you truly deserve to. I’m over the moon to announce that Mumbelievable has partnered up with Be Dynamic Coaching and we’ve developed a series of confidence workshops for women returning to work after maternity or extended time out to have children this autumn.

Our one-day empowerment events are designed to help women build their confidence and go back into the workplace feeling strong, calm and in control.

To find out about upcoming events or talk to us about how these workshops could help you, please send me an email: ursula@mumbelievable.com.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Adele has admitted suffering from post-natal depression which has left her ‘too scared’ to have another baby and talked in her own brilliant, inimitable way about how hard she’s found being a mum.

How powerful that someone like Adele, who (to the rest of us mere mortals) seems to have limitless access to the very best resources and support, is opening up about the fact that she suffered in silence because she was scared to death of being judged.

In the beginning, it seems universal that we all wonder what the hell has happened to our lives and whether we’re the only ones who feel like that because no-one bloody tells you that this is going to happen.

Not that I’m sure I would’ve listened in my naïve pregnant state, but I’m damn sure I don’t remember a single person even making a vague attempt at trying to meaningfully prepare me for what was about to happen.

As Xav got a bit older and the relationships I was building with other people who happened to have popped out a human around the same time as I had got a bit more established, we all gradually started opening up. Shock horror….we all felt the same.

Adele also said this which has made love her even more than I already did:

“I love my son more than anything, but on a daily basis, if I have a minute or two, I wish I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, whenever I want. Every single day I feel like that.

“Four of my friends felt the same way I did, and everyone was too embarrassed to talk about it; they thought everyone would think they were a bad mom, and it’s not the case. It makes you a better mom if you give yourself a better time.”

Yes, yes, yes!

I’m so hopeful that these high-profile, influential and revered women speaking out about these issues will remove these ridiculous taboos and help new mums (and dads) understand that there will be no judgment, no-one will think any less of you if you’re honest about this shitstorm and yes, you’re a brilliant parent even if you don’t feel like you are.

It’s so important that these feelings are normalised. By and large, women (me included) are still scared – even now – that someone will, at the very least think we’re incapable and at the very worst come and take our baby away if we intimate that we’re not coping.

The courage it takes to share this overwhelm is extraordinary and most of the time it’s only when the worst of the fog has lifted that we feel able to share the extent of our suffering.

Adele’s trying to change that by using her influence to give the nod that it’s all ok. What a bloody legend she is.

From one mum to another, Adele, thank you. X

Today has turned out to be one of those brilliant but un-plannable spontaneous days. It started out a bit crap if I’m honest, with some plans cancelled and the long expanse of a day with lots of hours to fill. Factor in that it’s been half term and I’ve been trying to juggle Xav and a pretty important work week with nothing but a few hours of childcare and it’s not been an easy week.

I’ve never found it easy to be a mum 24/7. I don’t mean I don’t love it – I do. Xav is amazing and I love him so much that sometimes I feel like there’s a strong possibility I will explode. But I’m not built to be a full-time mum and I worked out quite quickly that I’m happier (and therefore, so is he) when I have days during the week when he’s in childcare and I’m working.

So whenever I’ve found myself with him day in, day out, I always have a meltdown in the end. That’s not an easy thing to admit as it feels counterintuitive that I wouldn’t want to be with him every minute of every day and just sit and stroke him; wondering how on earth I could have created such a miracle.

Reality isn’t like that though, is it? Negotiating with a toddler is not for the feint-hearted. I find being a mum exhausting. Emotionally and physically it saps me of energy like nothing else. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it – I want to be very clear about that. I’ve just worked out that I enjoy it more (and don’t regularly feel as though I’m actually losing it) if we’re not together all day every day.

I don’t make a habit of publicising my perceived parental shortcomings. I’ve spent enough time mentally passing judgment on my own incompetence (even though I try to reason with myself and tell my inner critic to go and do one) and am never quite sure how a dose of this kind of honesty is going to go down with other mamas.

But today has ended up feeling different. What started with a big going-into-battle sigh has transformed into a really fantastic end to half-term.

So what changed?

I ended up spending all day with some amazing mum friends who have completely altered my state of mind.

We talked (intermittently, obvs as we dealt with the standard irrational needs and kids shooting in all directions) about the kinds of parents we feel we are vs the kinds of parents we wish we could be. We talked about the factors that influence our parenting and the power our pasts hold over the present and potentially the future. We admitted things to each other, made excuses for ourselves and there was a lot of “God, you must think I’m such a terrible mother” as we bared our souls. It was deep. It was therapy.

It wasn’t planned and there was no booze, so the honesty was just something that happened naturally and we all said how much better we all felt for having spent those hours together.

I haven’t known these brilliant women long, but we discovered lots of common ground today. What a beautiful thing. They have no idea how incredible they are or what a bloody awesome job they’re doing raising their gorgeous children, and they – as we all do – give themselves such a hard time. If only they could see how great they are.

Today wasn’t ground-breaking, in the traditional sense. And my mum gang and I spend plenty of time bending each other’s ears about all of this stuff.

But I just felt the need to write this because having the confidence to open up like that completely changed the course of my day.

In half term especially, big up to the mum gang.

Xav started pre-school in January at 2 ½ years old. Before his third birthday, he’d been exposed to two incidents of bullying. He wasn’t directly involved, but he was there.

It shocked me. It hadn’t occurred to me that this was something I’d have to deal with when we were yet to emerge from the toddler years.

It got me thinking about how we’ll handle this issue in years to come (or from now on, apparently) – both from the point of view of helping him to understand how he should treat others and what to do if he’s ever on the receiving end.

Now, I seem to have a heightened awareness to this sort of behaviour and I see it everywhere.

I’ve decided to write about the impact of kids TV in this post because I’ve started to wonder why the creators of kids TV shows think it’s ok to include scenes of teasing, intimidation, rudeness and unkind behaviour in programmes that very young children watch.

Obviously I realise that the onus is on us as parents to make sure that our little ones are watching stuff that’s ‘suitable’ for them, and everyone’s opinion of what that means is going to be different. But as Xav gets older and learns more about what’s out there I’m kind of surprised that I’ve needed to stop him watching stuff that is intended for his age group – and even younger kids too.

I can’t be the only one who cringes when Diesel teases the other engines because they’re different or they made a mistake, or when Peppa Pig mocks George and excludes him from games because he’s a baby only for her idiotic parents to laugh it off.

These are scenes of bullying.

Why is it ok that Naughty Norman treats James like an inferior being or that Peppa slams the phone down on Susie Sheep (you might have gathered that I have a bit of a thing about that damn pig)?

These are scenes of unkindness.

Back to Thomas the Tank Engine, how can it be ok for the Fat Controller to only be proud of the engines when they’re really useful? Surely this is sending the wrong message about the fact that it’s ok to make mistakes? OK….maybe my 3 year old won’t be thinking about that on such a deep level, but still – I dislike the subtext. I digress.

Surely I’m not alone in thinking that I’d much prefer he watched the trippy nonsense of the Night Garden or the benign fairyland of Ben and Holly?

These are just a few examples. But when bullying and harassment among our younger generation is such a prolific problem, shouldn’t these TV production companies be part of the movement to improve the situation by designing their content in responsible ways? Who can hold them to account on this?

How can we reasonably expect our children not to emulate these behaviours? I’m under no illusion that sibling rivalry, rudeness, sarcasm and backtalk are all normal, but that doesn’t mean this shouldn’t be challenged.

Maybe I’m being an idealist, and I know I risk being accused of sheltering him from the real world, but I don’t think it’s necessary or helpful for my son to be exposed to this sort of negativity – not while his innocence remains intact.

I won’t apologise for wanting my son to grow up with a strong set of values and a sense of what’s right and wrong, or for trying to protect him while he’s tiny. That’s my job as him mum as I see it.

The obvious answer is that I just shouldn’t let him watch TV, right? If I decide that I’d prefer it if his impressionable mind wasn’t exposed to these kinds of things all the while I’m still able to exert that parental prerogative, then I could just stop it.

But I don’t think that’s the answer.

Xav has learned so much through watching nursery rhymes and kids TV. He learns from every part of his day, of course, and TV is a minor aspect of his life. (But one which I could literally now not live without….I would NEVER get anything done without a little help from our animated friends.)

So I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, really.

For me, TV in moderation can be a great thing. It’s relaxing, it’s educational and fun.

But I think there’s an undeniable link between bullying and what our children see and hear, and when social torment is so prevalent I think it’s time that TV networks took responsibility for creating socially acceptable content for our children – in support of parents and educators.

What do you think?

You might remember that a few weeks ago I posted a plea on the blog for help with a survey about how women feel about going back to work after having children.

Last week Donna (my fab partner in crime – we’re designing this series of confidence workshops together) and I met to go through the results and we knew it would be an emotional eye-opener, but we had no idea.

I’m sat here in tears going through the replies, and just wanted to share some of this with you. I’m so grateful to every single person who took time out of their crazy day to help with this project.

The questions we asked have confirmed everything we already knew about what a huge problem confidence is for women – particularly mums.

The scariest thing we learned is this: 82% of mums feel less confident now than they did before they had children. (I feel this calls for a sad face emoji.)

This statistic has broken me. We should all feel like we can accomplish anything. We’re mothers, for crying out loud! Instead, it seems almost universal that we feel worse about ourselves when it should be the opposite. This MUST change.

These results have given Donna and I more impetus than ever and more fire in our bellies to get these workshops out as far and wide as we possibly can to help as many women as we can reach.

The most important thing for each and every one of us to remember is that we are not alone, no matter how dark our feelings might be.

Here are a few quotes from what women told us. I’m heartbroken at the thought of so many gifted, capable and talented women feeling this way about themselves and my commitment to you is that I’m going to do everything I can to stop this madness.

• “I don’t see how I can be as good at my job as I used to be.”
• “I feel like I’ve lost my identity. I don’t know who I am and I put myself last.”
• “I’m worried about how I’m going to have the energy to deal with working on top of everything else. I’m so exhausted after a day now and I’m not back at work yet.”
• “People just expect that I’ll be fine. It’s so much pressure.”
• “How on earth am I going to juggle work and be there for my son?”
• “I feel really out of touch.”
• “I’m worried I won’t be respected and valued now I’ll be part-time.”
• “I’m going to miss my daughter so much.”
• “Will my child be ok without me? The thought of them suffering is too much to bear.”
• “I’m scared management will judge me and won’t think I’m capable.”
• “I feel that a promotion will be off the table for me because I’m part-time and my family is my priority.”
• “How are we going to afford all our living costs now we’ve got to pay for nursery?”
• “I need flexibility and understanding from my team now that my priorities have changed. What if they don’t get it?”
• “How will I cope being without my child? Will so much time apart damage our bond?”
• “Am I even employable now?”
• “I’ve got mummy brain. How am I going to do my job properly and not mess it up?”

How have we got to this point?

How it is possible that so many women are heading back into the world of work feeling this way?

Why aren’t they getting the support they need and deserve?

We’re working on the answers to these questions. We’re going to be putting out content via Mumbelievable and my social channels to help address these issues, and in addition to the workshops we’ll be launching national events and an online programme next year so we can reach as many women as possible who are sick and tired of feeling this way.

Our mission is to help 1 million (yes, you read that right!) mums to feel the way you deserve to feel, and we’d LOVE for you to come and join us!

Our next event is in Winchester, Hampshire on Saturday 26^th November 2016. Spaces are limited to 12 women, so you’ll need to act fast to secure your place.

(Plus there’s an early bird price so you won’t want to miss that..)

Click here to book your place!

In the meantime, if you’d like to find out more, click here or email me at Ursula@mumbelievable.com.

Thanks for reading. Xx